My Bitter Blog

Let’s pretend that on Valentine’s Day, the love of your life proposed.

What does that look like….visions of wedded bliss. The 3 bd/2b in the suburbs, a couple of kids (one boy/one girl), fresh baked bread, homemade meals or maybe it looks like the two of you forever, little apt. in the city, romantic dinners out, parties, entertaining, top of the corporate ladder.

Make sure the basics are covered first. I hate to sound like Dr. Phil but you will definitely be caught up in the bliss, and before you take that BIG plunge, it’s really important to assess the very basic moral fabric of someone you may be considering as a LIFELONG partner. Let’s face it – NOT ONE person/couple walks done the aisle saying, “Yeah, this will work for a while.” People, I think, get married thinking that it will be a forever thing.

It’s really important that you consider financial aspects, you really need to sit down with this potential partner and discuss MONEY. What are you expectations and your partner’s expectations. Will you both bring in the same amount? What happens if one of you wants to go back to school or stay home with children? What do you and your partner expect if one person loses their job – for any reason – downsizing to health to the arrival of children. How do you feel about separate accounts or will everything be melded into one joint effort. How about the responsibility of aging parents? How often do you want to trade in your car? Medical insurance? What are your long term goals and do those goals match up with your partners aspirations? It won’t work if you want to travel and your partner wants to be a homebody. How about any inheritance? Should you both want children, how will those children be cared for, you surely don’t want to end up like the octuplet mom with NO plan. Will your children be raised by daycare professsionals? (There’s an additional expense.) Or will one of you stay home and give up your paycheck..which one..and what do you do for money if it’s YOU?

Speaking of children…..do you both want children? If you do….will they be raised in the church? Which church? How long to wait before starting a family? How many children? What happens if you both want a certain number of children, but they both/all turn out to be the same sex and one of you had your heart set on boy(s) and girl(s), do yo keep trying? What about the expense of day-to-day living with children – piano lessons, hockey camp? How much interaction with grandparents is healthy? You and your betrothed may have very different outlooks on these things and it’s best to address it now.

Either you walk away now, or compromise. Or, at least, agree to compromise. Watch out for “comprising” though, that could turn into a lifetime of compromising. While cooperation and compromise can be a healthy way to resolve situations, if it’s always one partner “bending” it has the potential to become unhealthy.

So now that you have some things up on the table, should you memorialize these things in writing? Tomorrow, let’s talk about pre-nups.

I don’t intend this information sharing to be “gospel”, what I would like to do is open the doors for communication, as always please feel free to share with your comments.

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