A friend uses the term, “rolling around in the mud” and it is such an apt analogy of how we live our lives post divorce (and even before then for some of us) with many of us berating our former spouses, regaling our friends and family of the unfairness of life that trying to get out of the mud and form a clear picture of the reality of our situation seems impossible.
As someone who is going through the divorce process, I don’t begin to say that it’s easy or that it’s fair. But what I will say is that this could be a unique opportunity to create a new vision for yourself and your children and set in motion some of the things that you have only dreamed about in the past.
How do you do this? How do you get out of the ‘mud’ and create a more successful, confident and happier you?
These are the 5 steps to moving forward:
1. Where is your life today?
In order to move forward, an important part of this process is understanding where you are now, knowing what is important to you, what’s working and what’s not and identifying those values and beliefs that are not helping you.
In the following areas, write down your satisfaction level with your life, using the scale of 1 – 10 with 1 being the least satisfactory and 10 being completely satisfied.
Physical Environment 1 – 10 I am here _____
Business/Career 1 – 10 I am here _____
Money 1 – 10 I am here _____
Health 1 – 10 I am here _____
Family 1 – 10 I am here _____
Relationships 1 – 10 I am here _____
Personal Growth 1 – 10 I am here _____
Fun time 1 – 10 I am here _____
Use the results in this survey to gain an understanding of the areas that need the most attention. Explore these areas and try to gage why it is where it is.
When contemplating where your life is today, it is imperative that you come to understand how you got to where you are now. Did you have a plan for your life and now it is going all wrong? Should the people in your life act differently to the way they now are? Are you missing out on love, attention or your deserved financial rewards as a result of the divorce? Or is it that you now feel you have nothing left to give and feel hopeless?
Understanding your current values and beliefs will help you to gain an insight into why you are feeling certain emotions, why you are reacting to situations the way that you do and where you feel that your life has gone or is going wrong.
Answering these questions will help:
What are your current values and beliefs? What moments have defined your life and what do you now think and believe because of these experiences? What is important to you and what does that give you right now?
2. Change your thinking.
In order to change your life, you need to change your thinking. You need to start believing that anything is possible. It is very easy to remain in a negative state when you have the old story of your life going around and around in your head. You cannot make empowering decisions while you are unhappy, angry, frustrated or sad. Any decisions you make now will reflect how you are feeling.
Write a list of things that you absolutely love doing and make you feel incredibly good. Keep that list somewhere accessible. Whenever you feel frustrated, lonely or angry, take a look at that list and do one or more things that you have identified that make you feel good. Then take a minute to analyse why you felt the way you did, what you expected (believed) and write down a new and positive belief that can replace the old one. Doing this consistently will reduce the number of negative thoughts and build your confidence.
Take responsibility for your thoughts and your state. Someone once said to me “life is not about the avoidance of pain but how you manage it.” And you can manage it better in a positive frame of mind.
3. Design your ideal life.
In order to have the ideal life, you first need to know what your ideal life is. Many of us live day to day, not really knowing what we want and just accepting what comes into our world. Those people are simply re-acting to life. The first step to success, whether personally or in business, is to know what you truly want.
Understanding where you wish to be and what you want in life makes planning your life easy and turns those hard decisions into quick and effective ones. Think about it. If you had a clear plan or vision for your life, wouldn’t it reduce the chances of getting sidetracked and possibly following someone else’s plan for your life? And if you had to make a choice, wouldn’t that choice be a no brainer when you know what you want?
The first thing you need to do is create a vision for your life. Take some time to write down your dreams, what you want for yourself and your children in all aspects of your life. Don’t put any limitations on it, don’t be sidetracked with negative thoughts such as “I will never be able to do that” or “I will never have that”. There are no limits.
Write your vision statement as if you have already achieved it. Start with something like: “It is 2015 and I have…” Visualise it. See yourself as having it, doing it and being that person. How does it impact others, what does it feel like and are you excited about it? Always write in terms of what you do want, never in terms of what you don’t want.
Remember, what you focus on is what you get. So let’s focus on something fantastic.
Once you have written it down, copy it, and put it somewhere where you will see it every day. Read it every day and know that you can absolutely achieve this and are deserving of this.
Once you have your vision statement, start setting some goals. Now that you know what you want, what steps do you need to take to start achieving it? Break the goals into 90 days, monthly and weekly. Your goals must be clear, specific and measurable. Unlike your vision statement, goals should have a time line. At the end of the 90 days, review what you have achieved and set your new goals for the next 90 days. Celebrate your achievements.
Goals are necessary to achieve that ideal life you want. However, goals are not set in stone. They can be changed and altered at any time according to what you want in your life. With each step you take towards your goals you are generating more life experiences from the people you encounter and the places you explore. Life is not sedentary. Therefore, it is especially important that you are aware of what is happening around you and that you have the flexibility to adapt your vision if necessary.
4. Create new, sustainable values and beliefs.
Now that you know what you want, you need to create a set of values and beliefs that will support you on your journey. Ask yourself the question: Who do I need to be to achieve all that I want to achieve? If you have children, then ask a similar question: What values do I want my children to have as they grow into adulthood?
Write down your top 7 values. Are they the same as before? Do they conflict with the vision you have planned? What rules do you have around meeting these values?
Now, if you have a negative thought or emotions, ask yourself, “Is this going to give me my ideal life?” Changing that belief becomes easier with practice. Remember, to forgive yourself for any mistakes or setbacks, get support from friends or family and keep moving forward. One bad day does not determine the rest of your life. But holding on to those negative beliefs will.
5. Take action every day.
This is vital to achieving your ideal life. No one ever got anywhere without taking action. Every morning, review your vision statement, look at the goals that you want to achieve.
Do at least one thing every day and you will start gathering momentum. Use the be, do, have model. Every day be the person you need to be, do the things you need to do to have what you ultimately want.
Use your divorce as an opportunity, not a crutch and rediscover your dreams. Remember, only you can determine your path. With the wisdom you have gained in life, you now have the knowledge and the power to forge a more successful path.
Leanne Stavrou is a specialist Behavioural Coach and Trainer in private practice in Brisbane. Leanne can be contacted on (61)7 3349 7268, email: leanne@divorceassist.com.au or go to http://www.divorceassist.com.au
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Leanne_Stavrou
Plurk This Post 
Digg This Post 
Ping This Post